Emotional Regulation At Work

I was shadowing a coaching client in her leadership meeting when I watched this brilliant woman apologize six times in 30 minutes. 1. “Sorry, this might be off-topic, but..." 2. “I'm could be wrong, but what if we..." 3. “Sorry again, I know we're running short on time..." 4. “I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but..." 5. “This is just my opinion, but..." 6. “Sorry if I'm being too pushy..." Her ideas? They were game-changing. Every single one. Here's what I've learned after decades of coaching women leaders: Women are masterful at reading the room and keeping everyone comfortable. It's a superpower. But when we consistently prioritize others' comfort over our own voice, we rob ourselves, and our teams, of our full contribution. The alternative isn't to become aggressive or dismissive. It's to practice “gracious assertion": • Replace "Sorry to interrupt" with "I'd like to add to that" • Replace "This might be stupid, but..." with "Here's another perspective" • Replace "I hope this makes sense" with "Let me know what questions you have" • Replace "I don't want to step on toes" with "I have a different approach" • Replace "This is just my opinion" with "Based on my experience" • Replace "Sorry if I'm being pushy" with "I feel strongly about this because" But how do you know if you're hitting the right note? Ask yourself these three questions: • Am I stating my needs clearly while respecting others' perspectives? (Assertive) • Am I dismissing others' input or bulldozing through objections? (Aggressive) • Am I hinting at what I want instead of directly asking for it? (Passive-aggressive) You can be considerate AND confident. You can make space for others AND take up space yourself. Your comfort matters too. Your voice matters too. Your ideas matter too. And most importantly, YOU matter. @she.shines.inc #Womenleaders #Confidence #selfadvocacy

🗣️“You must be more assertive.” Last year, those five words burned into Amy’s memory. She’d walked out of her 2023 review at XYZ Global determined to “step up.” Speak more in meetings. Push harder on decisions. Stop softening her tone so she wouldn’t intimidate anyone. She did exactly that. Fast forward 12 months. Same conference room. Same 2 VPs across the table. 🔇“You’ve become too intense, need to work on softening your approach.” 😑 Amy stared at them, speechless. Wasn’t that what you asked for last year? Which version of me do you actually want? She thought about the past year: 🤔 The time she challenged a flawed budget forecast in front of the CFO, saving the company $3 million, but earning whispers that she was “abrasive.” 🤔 The time she stepped in to rescue a failing project, praised for her “grit” publicly, yet privately told she “dominated the room.” 🤔 The time she finally got invited to an executive offsite, only to overhear a VP say, “She’s great, but can be… a lot.” This is the tightrope trap senior women walk daily: • Be assertive, but not too assertive. • Be collaborative, but don’t fade into the background. • Be visible, but not “hungry.”    The same behavior praised in men (decisive, strong leader) gets women penalized as abrasive or too much. Until you set the narrative yourself, you’re trapped performing for a moving target. If you’re exhausted from balancing on a wire men don’t even see, here’s how to step off it and still rise. 1. Audit the pattern, not just the feedback • Track every piece of feedback, especially contradiction. Patterns reveal bias. If the goal keeps moving, it's not you! • Phrase to use in review: “Last year I was encouraged to increase my presence; this year I’m told to soften it. Can we clarify what success really looks like?”    2. Control the frame before the room does • Pre‑set the narrative in 1:1s and emails leading up to reviews. I.e., “This year I focused on driving results while bringing the team with me, you’ll see that reflected in project X and Y.” • This primes leadership to view your assertiveness as an intentional strategy, not a personality flaw.    3. Build echo chambers, not just results • Secure 2–3 allies who reinforce your strengths in rooms you’re not in. • Promotions happen in the absence, you need people echoing your narrative, not someone else’s. • Phrase to brief an ally: “If my leadership style comes up in review, can you speak to how I challenge decisions but still align the team?”    Women aren’t just asked to deliver results. They’re asked to perform, decode, and reframe, all while walking a wire men don’t even see. If you’re exhausted from balancing between “too soft” and “too aggressive,” stop walking the wire and start controlling the narrative. Join the waitlist of our next cohort of ⭐ From Hidden Talent to Visible Leaders ⭐ https://lnkd.in/gx7CpGGR 👊 Because leadership shouldn’t feel like an impossible balancing act.

"Black women aren't just doing their jobs. They're performing an exhausting one-woman show where the script changes daily." Let me break down what Black women navigate in professional spaces: We don't just choose our words. We filter them through a racial-gender matrix. We don't just speak. We modulate our tone to avoid the "angry" label. We don't just gesture. We control our hand movements to appear "non-threatening." We don't just dress. We calculate every outfit to seem "professional enough." We don't just style our hair. We make political decisions with each hairstyle. This isn't paranoia—it's strategic survival: When we speak directly, we're "aggressive" When we show emotion, we're "unprofessional" When we assert boundaries, we're "difficult" When we seek recognition, we're "entitled" When we express frustration, we're "hostile" The mental load is crushing: • Constantly scanning environments for potential hostility • Preparing responses to microaggressions before they happen • Developing thick skin while remaining "approachable" • Achieving twice as much while appearing humble • Advocating for ourselves without triggering stereotypes Research shows this hypervigilance takes a measurable toll: Black women experience higher rates of stress-related health conditions Black women report the highest levels of "bringing their full selves" to work Black women face the most severe career penalties for authentic self-expression Black women spend more mental energy on workplace navigation than any other group For those working alongside Black women, here are research-backed ways to help: 1. Amplify Black women's ideas and give proper credit 2. Interrupt when you witness tone-policing or stereotyping 3. Question double standards in evaluation and feedback 4. Create space for authentic expression without penalties 5. Recognise the invisible labour Black women perform daily 📢 When they expect us to carry the world, we choose rest 📢 The Black Woman's Rest Revolution offers: ✨ Black women therapists who understand workplace navigation ✨ Bi-weekly healing circles for processing code-switching fatigue ✨ Expert guidance through professional double standards ✨ Global sisterhood that honors our authentic selves Limited spots available Join our revolution: [Link in comments] ⚠️ Check your spam folder for confirmation Because we deserve workplaces where our expertise matters more than our tone. Because our brilliance shouldn't require constant repackaging. Because our professional value shouldn't depend on our likability. #BlackWomenAtWork #WorkplaceNavigation #ProfessionalAuthenticity #RestIsRevolution P.S. I help Black women heal from workplace abuse & racial trauma through revolutionary rest. 📸 Collaboration between Sarah_akinterwa & leaningorg on IG

As International Women’s Day nears, we’ll see the usual corporate gestures—empowerment panels, social media campaigns, and carefully curated success stories. But let’s be honest: these feel-good initiatives rarely change what actually holds women back at work on the daily basis. Instead, I suggest focusing on something concrete, something I’ve seen have the biggest impact in my work with teams: the unspoken dynamics that shape psychological safety. 🚨Because psychological safety is not the same for everyone. Psychological safety is often defined as a shared belief that one can take risks without fear of negative consequences. But let’s unpack that—who actually feels safe enough to take those risks? 🔹 Speaking up costs more for women Confidence isn’t the issue—consequences are. Women learn early that being too direct can backfire. Assertiveness can be read as aggression, while careful phrasing can make them seem uncertain. Over time, this calculation becomes second nature: Is this worth the risk? 🔹 Mistakes are stickier When men fail, it’s seen as part of leadership growth. When women fail, it often reinforces lingering doubts about their competence. This means that women aren’t more risk-averse by nature—they’re just more aware of the cost. 🔹 Inclusion isn’t just about presence Being at the table doesn’t mean having an equal voice. Women often find themselves in a credibility loop—having to repeatedly prove their expertise before their ideas carry weight. Meanwhile, those who fit the traditional leadership mold are often trusted by default. 🔹 Emotional labor is the silent career detour Women in teams do an extraordinary amount of behind-the-scenes work—mediating conflicts, softening feedback, ensuring inclusion. The problem? This work isn’t visible in performance reviews or leadership selection criteria. It’s expected, but not rewarded. What companies can do beyond IWD symbolism: ✅ Stop measuring "confidence"—start measuring credibility gaps If some team members always need to “prove it” while others are trusted instantly, you have a credibility gap, not a confidence issue. Fix how ideas get heard, not how women present them. ✅ Make failure a learning moment for everyone Audit how mistakes are handled in your team. Are men encouraged to take bold moves while women are advised to be more careful? Change the narrative around risk. ✅ Track & reward emotional labor If women are consistently mentoring, resolving conflicts, or ensuring inclusion, this isn’t just “being helpful”—it’s leadership. Make it visible, valued, and part of promotion criteria. 💥 This IWD, let’s skip the celebration and start the correction. If your company is serious about making psychological safety equal for everyone, let’s do the real work. 📅 I’m now booking IWD sessions focused on improving team dynamics and creating workplaces where women don’t just survive, but thrive. Book your spot and let’s turn good intentions into lasting impact.

"I initially felt silly calling it 'heartbreak,' but I needed to name it and not be ashamed by how gut-wrenching it felt." These words from a reader stopped me in my tracks. When I wrote about professional heartbreak in my newsletter, I never expected the flood of raw, vulnerable stories that poured into my inbox from women of color across industries. The message was clear: When your mentor betrays you, when someone takes credit for your work, when you're pushed out of a role that defined your identity—it's more than disappointment. It's heartbreak. In my latest article, I share: -Why professional heartbreak hits differently for those who've worked twice as hard to get half as far -The aftermath: "I doubt they will ever get the same 'me' again" -A practical 7-step framework for healing that includes finding your "healing trinity" The pain is real, but so is the wisdom that can emerge from it. Read the full piece to discover how to transform professional heartbreak into clarity and power. Link in below. Have you experienced this? What helped you move forward?

“I don’t fear my feelings anymore.” When she said that in our last session, I felt the weight of how far she had come. Because this was the same high-performing woman who once told me: “I can handle board meetings… but I can’t handle feeling not enough.” On paper, she was exceptional. Strong career trajectory. Many high achiever awards Respected in her field. Consistently delivering results. But internally? Rejection from friends would stay with her for days. A delayed reply felt like exclusion. Someone else being appreciated triggered quiet comparison. Her own achievements went unnoticed — and she shrank. The voice in her head was relentless: “You should be better.” “You should be stronger.” “Why does this still affect you?” Add to that the weight of expectations. From parents. From culture. From herself. She wasn’t just chasing goals. She was chasing approval. And when approval didn’t come — it felt like failure. So she coped the only way she knew how: Overworking. Overgiving. Overachieving. Pretending she wasn’t hurt. High performer outside. Emotionally exhausted inside. No one had ever taught her what to do with feelings like rejection, comparison, invisibility. So she either drowned in them… or pushed them down. In our recent session she said: “Now when I feel rejected or small, I don’t spiral. I pause. I name it. I park it. I choose how to respond.” That is emotional fitness. Not becoming emotionless. Not pretending rejection doesn’t hurt. Not eliminating ambition. But learning to: • Separate feeling from identity • Regulate before reacting • Stop outsourcing self-worth • Celebrate your own wins • Allow someone else’s success without shrinking yourself Her achievements didn’t suddenly get louder. Her inner critic got quieter. She stopped losing days to “I’m not enough.” She stopped turning someone else’s spotlight into her shadow. And that shift changes everything. Because here’s the truth: Many high performers aren’t struggling with competence. They’re struggling with unprocessed emotion. Rejection hurts. Comparison triggers. Unmet expectations sting. That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. But if you don’t train your response, those emotions start running your leadership, your relationships, your confidence. So let me ask you: Where are you still seeking approval instead of building self-trust? If you’re ready to stop feeling small in moments that don’t define you — and start leading from emotional strength — let’s connect. Because success feels very different when you no longer measure your worth through someone else’s validation. #EmotionalFitness #HighPerformance #EmotionalIntelligence #LeadershipDevelopment #WomenInLeadership #SelfWorth #ResilientLeadership #NervousSystemRegulation #ExecutivePresence #PersonalGrowth #ConfidenceBuilding #SelfLeadership

I’ve found myself navigating meetings when a colleague or team member is emotionally overwhelmed. One person came to me like a fireball, angry and frustrated. A peer had triggered them deeply. After recognizing that I needed to shift modes, I took a breath and said, “Okay, tell me what's happening.” I realized they didn’t want a solution. I thought to myself: They must still be figuring out how to respond and needed time to process. They are trusting me to help. I need to listen. In these moments, people often don’t need solutions; they need presence. There are times when people are too flooded with feelings to answer their own questions. This can feel counterintuitive in the workplace, where our instincts are tuned to solve, fix, and move forward. But leadership isn’t just about execution; it’s also about emotional regulation and providing psychological safety. When someone approaches you visibly upset, your job isn’t to immediately analyze or correct. Instead, your role is to listen, ground the space, and ensure they feel heard. This doesn't mean abandoning accountability or ownership; quite the opposite. When people feel safe, they’re more likely to engage openly in dialogue. The challenging part is balancing reassurance without minimizing the issue, lowering standards, or compromising team expectations. There’s also a potential trap: eventually, you'll need to shift from emotional containment to clear, kind feedback. But that transition should come only after the person feels genuinely heard, not before. Timing matters. Trust matters. If someone is spinning emotionally, be the steady presence. Be the one who notices. Allow them to guide the pace. Then, after the storm passes, and only then, you can invite reflection and growth. This is how you build a high-trust, high-performance culture: one conversation, one moment of grounded leadership at a time.

“Not ready for senior leadership.” I’ve seen that land on women who keep entire teams afloat. Not for performance. For micro-reactions. We all get triggered; it's part of being human. It doesn’t always look like anger. Sometimes it’s: ⚪️ Speaking faster ⚪️ Over-explaining ⚪️ A clipped “It’s fine” ⚪️ The raised eyebrow you didn’t catch ⚪️ A tight jaw in the weekly update Tiny tells. Big consequences. 𝐂𝐚𝐥𝐦 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐬𝐤𝐢𝐥𝐥. 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐭𝐚𝐱.  Everyone pays it - women pay more. That’s the 𝐝𝐨𝐮𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐛𝐢𝐧𝐝. Same behavior. Different headline. He’s “passionate.” She’s “emotional.” He’s “decisive.” She’s “reactive.” He’s “a strong personality.” She’s “not ready.” A director client was called “a live wire” in her 360. An acting CFO I coached braced at ExCom questions. Before we started, the CEO’s label: “She’s difficult.” It’s unfair. It’s also fixable. Years ago my mentor asked the question I now use with clients: “𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮?” Because emotion is data. Reactivity is leakage. Leadership presence is about communicating calmly under pressure, with anyone. 5 steps to emotionally self-regulate (in the room and on calls): 🍀 3-𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐭. Exhale once. Drop shoulders. Then speak. 🍀 𝐒𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 10 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐬. Pace sets perception. 🍀 𝐂𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐞𝐫𝐬. Trade explanations for clear asks. 🍀 𝐂𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐫 𝐛𝐮𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫. 5 minutes to decompress before responding. 🍀 𝐀𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐦𝐢𝐫𝐫𝐨𝐫. One peer who flags the micro-signals you miss. Within 8 weeks, that CFO’s feedback shifted from “difficult” to “calm under pressure.” Same standards. New signals. Better decisions. Your competence isn’t the problem. 𝐂𝐚𝐥𝐦 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐤𝐢𝐥𝐥. 𝐁𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐢𝐭. What do you do to keep your calm when triggered? 💭 —----- 📩 𝐉𝐨𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐒𝐞𝐩𝐭 12 for the Executive Presence & Visibility Masterclass — link in comments. ♻️ Repost if you’ve learned this the hard way - help someone who’s being taxed for reactivity.

Crying at work, yes or no? It’s a question that still divides opinion, and reveals how uncomfortable we are with emotional expression in professional spaces. But here's what I’ve noticed after years of coaching women in leadership: Tears are rarely about weakness. They’re about capacity. Most women who cry at work aren’t falling apart…they’re overflowing. They’ve been managing deadlines, meetings, expectations, invisible labour… all while trying to hold it together. Eventually, something gives. And too often, it’s the one thing that’s still taboo: emotion. The workplace isn’t built for it. And so, the tears come with shame, silence, or self-blame. This article about Rachel Reeves crying in the Commons raises an important point: until we shift the culture around emotion at work, we’ll keep forcing women to hold it in until they break. Here’s the piece that sparked this conversation: https://lnkd.in/gqMpMH6S What do you think? #womeninleadership #emotionalintelligence #burnoutrecovery #leadershipdevelopment #selfawareness #highperformancecoach

Many introverted female leaders are functioning well externally while quietly carrying emotional exhaustion internally. They are still meeting deadlines. Still showing up for their teams. Still supporting others. Still leading with excellence. And because they remain composed, capable, and dependable, their depletion often goes unnoticed - even by themselves. One of the challenges many introverted women in leadership face is that they have learned how to carry pressure quietly. They are often the calm presence in the room. The thoughtful decision-maker. The emotionally aware leader. The reliable person others lean on. But being emotionally intelligent does not mean being emotionally unlimited. Mental health conversations in leadership frequently begin at burnout. When someone finally steps away. Breaks down. Disconnects. Or realises they have been surviving rather than sustainably leading. But often, the warning signs appear much earlier. In the inability to rest without guilt. In constant emotional labour. In overextending capacity. In suppressing personal needs to remain “professional.” In being endlessly available while privately exhausted. That is why this mental health checklist for introverted female leaders is an essential reminder. Not as another performance tool. Not as a productivity framework. But as a gentle invitation to pause and honestly reflect. To ask: Am I actually okay? Am I leading from alignment or simply functioning from obligation? Have I created space to restore, or only space to recover after depletion? Because leadership should not require self-abandonment. And resilience should not become the reason we ignore our humanity. Quiet confidence is not about endlessly carrying more. It is about learning to lead with clarity, emotional honesty, healthy boundaries, and care for the human being behind the role. I hope this checklist serves as a reminder that sustainable leadership also includes rest, support, emotional safety, and self-awareness. Which point on the checklist resonated with you most? _________________________________ Resonate? Repost ♻️ to reach the leader who needs this today. ➕Follow Patience Ogunbona for insights on leadership, quiet confidence and magnetic presence.